Monday, January 2, 2012

Quarterly Horrorscopes--Winter Solstice Edition

Aries (March 21-April 19) You've planted bladders and rectums in the garden in your backyard. Urine and blood and wrecked childhoods are sprouting from barren earth.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Your father is somewhere out there in the darkness. He's being hunted by dogs.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) Pull the spike from your throat so that all that light and those oceans of dead fish can pour forth.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) Slaughter your cattle. Let their huge carcasses rot in the hot sun, they intended to kill your child.

Leo (July 23-August 22) The conquering army have destroyed the city where you live. Now they'll murder your family.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) Rip out the long, elastic veins from your arms and intertwine them with piano wire to make a rope that will keep you tethered to that fence by the creek.

Libra (September 23-October 23) You're sitting on the porch of your parent's home. You're eating ash and aluminum.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21) That stream is flowing toward that land where the sun will fall after you pull it from the sky.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) Follow the dirt path that is lit with torches and moonlight. There's going to be a human sacrifice tonight.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) Several ecstatic revelers pounding Frame Drums and rattling Elephant Bells are emerging from an enormous vaginal cavity.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) Cave in his larynx with the butt of your rifle. There's too much sound on this earth.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) Her round buttocks arching toward you in the half light of your bedroom. Light from the hallway. Your hands are on her breasts and you devour her flesh.