August Horrorscopes

Quarterly Horrorscopes
by Zack Kouns esq

Aries (March 21-April 19) Carve your name into his flesh when he's sleeping. He understands and blesses pain.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) You and your animals are going to be swept away in the flood; it's God's wrath punishing you for your cowardice.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) Collect your menstrual blood in a Coca Cola can. Offer it to the dead child that you found in the garden.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) A god is knocking on your back door; he's coming to claim your first born son. Feed him and thank him for his violence, he's had a long journey.

Leo (July 23-August 22) The sun will rise in the middle of the night and the whole world will see you eating the intestines of a sacrificed beast.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) Drive your car off the cliff and into the sea. They'll never find you there.

Libra (September 23-October 23) There's a moon and a field with prairie grass inside your body. Serpents are coiling around your genitals.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21) You understand the songs of Sparrows and Blue Jays and the haunting call of the Carolina Wren. Ask them to stop speaking, the earth is lonely enough.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) If that fat fucking German girl doesn't shut her shit eating mouth, throw a drink in her face.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) Howl and bay like a wounded, wretched, hunted dog about all the ugliness and atrocity and wickedness in your heart and the world.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) Storm and sea. Vulva and streams of urine.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) You're gagged with a sock. There's tears in your eyes. You're in black lingerie and he's crouching above you.